When you tell me about past crushes and ex girlfriends,
It doesn’t phase me. I just sit back, relax, and smile at your stories. ‘Cause no matter how hard they tried to please you, and regardless of the number of girls who fought for your attention…
I was the one who did something right.
I really don’t even know what to say to you right now. I don’t think I’ve ever been this mad and this disgusted at anybody before. So congratulations, you win the award of asshole of the year, and trust me, this isn’t something you want to win, not coming from me. You want what you want so bad that you’re willing to watch me suffer for it. You claim you’re doing all of this because you still care about me, but do you really think this is something I want at this point? You’re a monster. I don’t understand how, if you care about me that much, you can be so happy watching me fall apart, just so that things go your way. Because it always has to go your way right? You can never be wrong. You really haven’t changed, and you haven’t learned from anything that’s happened. You’re so at fault, and you made a mistake that you can’t take back. That’s the reality of it. I can’t stand to look at you, nor talk to you ever again so please just leave me alone.
Remember when you used to say, yeah what I did was wack, but you don’t get a nigga back like that. So much for that.
But I keep trying to suppress my feelings. Keep trying to conceal the way I feel because I want to believe I was made strong again. For a while I thought I was. I mentally took on the role of superwoman; invincible. Unconquerable. Anything but destructive, at least to you, and your love. But then you came along and knocked me off my feet, unexpectedly. Truth of the matter is, I’m so vulnerable when it comes to you and I hate that. I hate that you make me so damn weak, cause I want to be able to just walk away from you. Walk away like you mean nothing to me.
He’s different. I know, shame on me. It’s so cliche, ‘cause how many other lines in history have begun with those exact words? There’s just no other way I can put it… Words have escaped me. But trust me, one day, you’ll see exactly what I mean. In my eyes, he’s picture-perfect, flawless. The kind of boy I can see myself walking along the beach with, hand in mine, bodies intertwined. My kodak love, kind of boy. He embodies everything I’ve ever thought beautiful and aesthetic in my life, and that alone, I consider an understatement. It’s the way he serenades me now, guitar in his lap, singing to me with that God given beautiful voice, that allows me to envision us ten years from now, on a blanket in the sand, watching as the sunset rolls by. As for me, the rest of the horizon seems to disappear as I lay beside him and clutch on to every articulate note that seems to grace his lips and fill my ears. And as I look up at him, smiling down at me, he says hey beautiful. And although I’ve heard it a million times before, this time, I just can’t seem to let it go. There’s something there… He’s different, I swear.
A memory still so vivid in my mind…
You were laying there with me, on that old yet comfortable couch, your arm casually draped around my thin frame as we kicked back and silently watched TV. Both of us in sweats, my cold bare feet tucked underneath your legs and my body intertwined with yours; it almost felt like time fast-forwarded us twenty years, because this was the way I always dreamt of seeing us; It was the truth. Meant to be. Supposed to be.It was so simple. So perfect. Everything I had ever wanted. And coming from me, a high maintenance kind of girl, I was finally at peace with myself, and with life, for all that mattered, simply because I was finally in your arms… It was as if all the questions I had been asking for so long, had finally been answered. It was as if my life’s journey had finally found its purpose. We were so in tune, but all the while, my nerves were on end. My stomach didn’t even feel butterflies anymore; it was slowly turning in on itself. And my mind, a gushing river of uncontrollable thoughts, couldn’t embrace the fact that you were mine again. It raced at the thought of knowing you and I will be like this, for tomorrow, and for every day after that until forever retired our love. Right there, right at that moment, I swear, I could’ve died and went straight to heaven. You were all I needed. I felt eternal bliss; a heaven in your arms.
For love &let it find me. I have no idea what I’m supposed to be looking for anyway, so why do I search? Is it because I need to have someone or is it because I want to have someone? It’s completely absurd the way I act upon the thought of love, because I do certain things without thinking, when it comes to affection. That’s my problem.
I need to learn how to focus on the things I already have in life, rather than the things I want &can’t have, no matter how hard I try. I need to learn how to accept the fact that no matter what I do, I’ll never be good enough for you. I need to accept the fact that no matter how hard I try to search for one ounce of caring or affection you have towards me, it will never be enough. I need to learn to let go, &just have an open heart, to let love in, rather than to look far &wide for something, or someone that can care less about me.
Words cannot even begin to describe, the amount of pressure you have put on me. Not just this past year, but for every past year of my life, the standards and expectations you have set for me have become impossible, at least in terms of my capabilities. I can no longer listen to your lectures and smile, and tell you yes mom and dad, I will do just that. I can try, but I cannot promise you I will. But you want those final answers. You already have my future set up in mind when I have not even entered that stage in my life to start preparing for it. But it’s ruining me, do you not see that? That your overwhelming, over-excessive goals have made you blind to what I am actually capable of? Put yourself in my shoes. You think it’s so easy to just go to medical school. I die at the thought of it. I tremble, and I’m only seventeen. You think I’m so ideal for this just because that’s what you want to believe but did you ever stop and think that maybe this isn’t for me? Did you think about the reality, and the gravity of your wishes? This is my life. Not yours. I’m going to be the one going through hell for 15 years, not you. I’m going to be the one who one day may feel like jumping off a bridge from all the stress I’ve endured from everyone expecting so much from me. Arguing with me about my future has become a daily routine, that I’m so sick of hearing the same things. I’m sorry that I cannot be everything you set me out to be. But you seriously need to understand that this isn’t easy for me, cause one day it may just be the death of me.
Aw, thank you so much! I really appreciate your feedback <3 glad to know you can relate (: