love, unconditionally.

2010 in a nutshell.

I started off my year in a relationship with my best friend. He asked me out after midnight; outside on a quiet, snowy street. From then on, my life was perfect. We had ups and downs, but definitely enough ups to make the downs insignificant. I discovered the real meaning of true love during my time with him, and when I look at him.. I see my childhood; the childhood I so fortunately spent with him. I see my present, and I see my future. I couldn’t ask to have spent my 2010 any other way..

On another note: I got a lot closer with my brother. We share a brother-sisterly bond that we never experienced before, but I’m so grateful for it. He’s like my best friend as well, but even more than that.. I know he’ll protect me against anything, more than a best friend would. Thanks for everything you’ve done for me this year, Manong.

I know 2011 won’t disappoint. A year with my baby, yup. That’s all I need. 

Why am I so incompetent when it comes to you? Why is that you always have to own me at everything I do? I’m convinced that I’m not as valued as much in the family as you are. And it’s true. I’m never right. No. That would be absurd to think I’m right. But you’re always right. Right? That’s always how it is, that’s how it’s always been. Growing up, I’ve always lived in your shadow. Sometimes I wonder what it would be like if it was just me. Would they actually notice me then? Well, they’d have to. Even if.. maybe I would know what it’s like to stand out in this family, what it’s like to come in first, and not always finish second to you. Maybe I wouldn’t be so scared to be who I am around them because you wouldn’t be there watching. You’re right though. You’re the favorite, I gave up a long time ago. In every family there always has to be that one child that could never compare to the star child.
And that’s me.

I stare at you now with anger in my eyes. I’m ready to hurl at you, every evil in my body. All the bad words I’ve ever wanted to tell you, surfaces now. But as I look at you.. Your face softens. And somewhere inside of me? My heart slows. I just can’t do it anymore. 

I am what you made of me. I’m nothing but a product of your creation. To hate you would mean to hate myself. And I just can’t do that. 

No matter how much you yell at me, mama, I could never yell back. No matter how much shit you give me, I won’t ever disrespect. ‘Cause at the end of the day, you are always right. You may not understand me; but you’re right. I’ve come to realize that.. you do so much for me, and for that? I could never hate you. 
Thank you for everything.

“I am very good friends with my former wife, not because we have a child together, but because she is one of my best friends; I talk about God, not because I am fulfilling some religious duty, but I am intrigued by the fingerprints of God in my life; when romantic relationships in my life end I want to continue a true, not socially polite relationship, because if I valued someone enough to be their lover and partner, that does not change because the magical auspices of titles shift; I vote for the candidate with whom I feel most comfortable, regardless of political titles; I listen to most forms of music because I can find truth in many shades; I read the Bible, Koran, and other religious teachings, because ALL truth is God’s truth regardless of where you find that truth; I don’t need to visit a church or temple in order to be connected to God, because that’s what people do…; I speak on behalf of the voiceless and powerless, regardless of whether or not I am “one” of them. I do these things, because this is what I do. I don’t care about the “this is what people do…” mentality. It is NOT me.”

Damn Dr. Fowlin, you are really, really getting me with your philosophies and mentality. If only there were more people like you in this world, world peace wouldn’t be a dream.. but a reality.

“Certainly, human beings are more sophisticated than the majority of the animal kingdom. We use reason and reflection, not just instinct, to understand our world and the multiple variables presented to us. Yet, even within this ability to process, much of our mores are determined, not by our superior reasoning capacities, but by our animal instincts to conform to norms, religious and societal. We often do what we do for the approval of the majority. This is the extent of our reasoning.”

-Dr. Mykee Fowlin

i clearly remember exactly two years ago, how depressed i was. this time of year, everyone was so filled with Christmas spirit, except me. i had no Christmas last year, because my mind was so pre-occupied over my break up. i ruined it for myself. it’s kind of crazy how i look back now at how much things have changed. i didn’t want to eat. i didn’t want to be surrounded by my friends who only wanted to cheer me up. i didn’t want to do anything. instead i cried every night, even openly at school. it tore me up inside. i spent so much on his present, and didn’t bother putting in effort in buying more important people presents, like my family and closest friends. i made him my first priority.. and maybe that was my mistake. it was all so silly & stupid.

i regret missing Christmas. it only comes once a year. and i failed to realize that. Christmas isn’t even about being happy because you have someone special by your side. it’s about family, but most importantly, Jesus Christ. i’m sure i won’t miss Christmas again this year. i promise myself that this time, i’ll help my mom put up the tree & decorate the house. i promise to wrap presents. i promise to put on a smile and spread Christmas cheer with all those around me. especially those who are depressed as i was two years ago. i hope love will be sent their way and that they can find in their hearts, the joy of this time of year and share in the love of God. i know God will help them, He would never abandon them. i’m so thankful for how much i’ve grown, and how i’ve centered my life around Him. my life has honestly never been better. Christmas, here i come <3 

`cause being your friend.. is killing me softly.

I can’t wait to face you,
break you
down
so low
there’s no place left to go.

I wanted to believe so bad.. that I was something to you. Because of you, I found it impossible to trust and it’s because of you that i found it difficult to listen to my own heart. You shoved me to the ground, but from there I worked out my pain on the walls I built around myself.

I’m so over your bullshit. I can’t wait to break you. 

i feel good.. i feel wonderful
and it’s because.. you made it that way
i feel supa spectacular because of you.
and now i’m flying; i think i’m floating
i feel so high, your love lifts me to the sky
and if i fall, i won’t care. cause i’m safe with you

I’m in love with your story <3

I just don’t know you anymore.

Seasons changed, and you.. along with it, did too. 

Sometimes I read back on times we shared, hoping to catch that feeling of warmth and friendship I once harbored for you when things were much more simple and adolescent.

A time when being with you felt effortless, not forced. And the smile that came upon my face with your entrance; your hi, how are you doing? was genuine. Not routinely tasks we seem to reiterate to one another now. 

I don’t know what it is.

But there’s just something about you, that’s not the same as it once used to be. 

Staring at the fading, falling leaves.. I can’t help but see you and I in their presence. We’re nothing more than those drifting leaves, and it sucks because you were actually.. really important to me.

I’m paralyzed with just one thought of you. Your love proved to be detrimental to my health.

In my mind, I believed that my impossible dreaming could finally become my sweet reality. But, as for my heart? She knew… Something had changed. We changed. Or rather… we had forgotten the you and I that we used to be. The passing time had spoiled everything that once used to be pure about our love. That was the sad truth. 

Is personal. If there was a way I could limit the entire world from seeing it, I would. But too bad, tumblr doesn’t have that feature. I don’t follow the tumblr hype, which explains why I don’t follow many people. I don’t understand any of those tumblr jokes, nor do I think I want to. I seldom post photos, unless it’s something that speaks to the heart. And most of all, I hate posts that are more status-like, than textually significant. Since day one, I’ve been doing this for me. Followers or not, it honestly doesn’t phase me. 

I just come here to get shit off my chest.